Monday Memories

October 11, 2010 at 12:44 pm Leave a comment

This is a REALLY old picture! I love the hair styles and clothes. And the bliss of innocence.  I am maybe 2 or 3 in this picture. I am the little one in red! I sometimes look back at these pictures and try to remember what it was like when I was younger. How I felt to have no stress in my life and no worries. Because really at that age I didn’t have any real worries. To be young and blissful again, huh. Life as we know it now is not without it’s many stresses and there are so many things to worry about. And trust me I worry about them all. I’ve been having a lot of panic attacks in the middle of the night or really more weird dreams of people standing over me or bad things happening to me and I wake up in a panic with my heart racing. I told my therapist the other night I was such a happy child and even happy in young adulthood. My friends growing up would tell me I was goofy. I would smile and laugh a lot. Now I still smile but sometimes out of fakeness and pretending like nothing is wrong. I wish I could be completely happy again. It makes me sad that I am not the same “happy” person I was before and also that we cannot be a completely “happy” family. We are not always sad, do not always harp on the boys’ kidneys, and do not wallow in our lives every day. But I just think it’s always there. It’s like an underlying sadness within our lives. We have daily meds, many doctors appointments, blood pressure checks, and just the ticking time bomb in the background of when the boys will need a transplant.  We do a lot of fun things and do have fun together and do laugh and smile a lot but it’s just always there. And I really, really would like to just be plain old “happy” with no stress and no worries in my life. People do not realize how good they’ve got it.

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Monday Memories (written late Sunday night) Monday Memories

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