Archive for October, 2010

Monday Memories

It seems that I can only write every once in a while on a Monday. I cannot believe it is practically November. Where has this year gone? I just spent the last hour at the Quest Lab so they could do blood work on Gabe. I wouldn’t have minded waiting so much if it was because there were people in front of me. But the woman helping us did not completely know what she was doing and it took her 15 minutes to enter in all of the information into the computer. And then she erased it all!!! By this time the anticipation of the blood draw was killing Gabe and he was carrying on and crying and almost screaming. Then when we finally got back there for the blood draw he really was screaming. I had put the numbing cream on but he was so upset emotionally that it didn’t even matter. And I wanted to cry right there with him.

 

The picture I posted here was when Gabe was almost 3 weeks old and almost coming home from the NICU. He was so tiny here. And so naive. This was after the big scare but before any of the other medical stuff would begin. He was no longer on oxygen, his blood pressure wasn’t high yet, and really he was as “healthy” as he could be at that point after having a traumatic entrance into the world and spending the first 3 weeks in the NICU. Plus having ARPKD! The 3 weeks prior had been the most stressful in my life, but I have to say the past four years have pretty much topped it with this year being one of the most. I think I look a lot younger there than I do now!!!

But the sweet memory of me holding him there and knowing he was past the worst of it in the NICU and almost coming home to join the rest of us.

October 25, 2010 at 1:48 pm Leave a comment

Monday Memories

This is a REALLY old picture! I love the hair styles and clothes. And the bliss of innocence.  I am maybe 2 or 3 in this picture. I am the little one in red! I sometimes look back at these pictures and try to remember what it was like when I was younger. How I felt to have no stress in my life and no worries. Because really at that age I didn’t have any real worries. To be young and blissful again, huh. Life as we know it now is not without it’s many stresses and there are so many things to worry about. And trust me I worry about them all. I’ve been having a lot of panic attacks in the middle of the night or really more weird dreams of people standing over me or bad things happening to me and I wake up in a panic with my heart racing. I told my therapist the other night I was such a happy child and even happy in young adulthood. My friends growing up would tell me I was goofy. I would smile and laugh a lot. Now I still smile but sometimes out of fakeness and pretending like nothing is wrong. I wish I could be completely happy again. It makes me sad that I am not the same “happy” person I was before and also that we cannot be a completely “happy” family. We are not always sad, do not always harp on the boys’ kidneys, and do not wallow in our lives every day. But I just think it’s always there. It’s like an underlying sadness within our lives. We have daily meds, many doctors appointments, blood pressure checks, and just the ticking time bomb in the background of when the boys will need a transplant.  We do a lot of fun things and do have fun together and do laugh and smile a lot but it’s just always there. And I really, really would like to just be plain old “happy” with no stress and no worries in my life. People do not realize how good they’ve got it.

October 11, 2010 at 12:44 pm Leave a comment


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