June 1, 2009 at 4:33 pm 1 comment

I started seeing a new therapist 2 weeks ago and I really like her. I decided after over a year and no big changes with my psyche (i’m still crazy) I should find someone new. A good friend of mine who has a child with ARPKD recommended this therapist and I feel like after only 2 sessions I am further along than with my other therapist. My other therapist is a nice lady and occasionally a good therapist but has no boundaries and often goes off on tangents about things not related to what I am there for.  She is also in her 70’s and has some very interesting (or strange) ideas of things.  This new therapist is digging deeper into my feelings and what I need out of therapy and I what I need out of my marriage.  She gives me concrete ways of dealing with things and concrete ways of making my marriage better. When she asked me a question today and I avoided the answer she called me on it and brought me back to her original question.

I have a lot of sadness and anger surrounding Gabe’s birth. But I also have feelings of being alone in this situation. I probably had feelings of loneliness my whole life and just pushed them down the whole time. My parents are slightly emotionally detached people and don’t know how to deal with someone as emotional as me.  They just do the best they can.  It is easier for them to pretend everything is just hunky dory. As long as things look perfect on the outside then it must be perfect on the inside.  “don’t air your dirty laundry in public” or something like that.  So growing up I got very accustomed to hiding it all and keeping it all bottled up. Now I just get quiet and pretend like I don’t have a care in the world. We talked about it today and how I feel like I might be a needy friend if I talk too much to my friends and I don’t want people to look at me as though I’m crazy when I talk about the panic attacks I’m having.  It’s kind of a catch 22. Pretend like everything is fine but then bottle up more inside and have more panic attacks.  But tell people what I am thinking and either get that glassed over look or that you’re a crazy person look or that I feel so sorry for you but glad it’s not me look.  It’s hard to say what is worse.

My new therapist thinks Matt and I have some very similar feelings but deal with them in such different ways that we just butt heads all of the time. If we could both realize the other one is feeling so many of the same things then maybe we could be more empathetic with each other, less lonely, and have a better relationship.

But I’ve only had 2 sessions!! We’ll see where this leads.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

yet another jinx substandard

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. kidneyeyemomma  |  June 4, 2009 at 12:49 am

    This is very, very good.

    You know I don’t think you are any crazier than I am. So my ear is open any time. Panic attacks? Bring it on. Hysterical crying? Give it.
    I get it and I get you!

    Love ya!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed

June 2009
« May   Jul »

%d bloggers like this: