Emotionally Detached

August 31, 2008 at 1:45 am Leave a comment

Why is it that so many people in my life are so emotionally detached? I don’t think I really understood that until I was older. Growing up I knew something was missing in my house but didn’t know exactly what.  I noticed when people passed away that my parents were not as devastated as I thought they should be. The first death I remember is that of a beloved Great-Great Uncle of mine named Uncle Louie who lived in NY. I had been so excited because he was to come to my Bat Mitzvah a few months later but then passed away. At that time I didn’t really grasp the whole concept of death (wish I still didn’t) but I remember being so sad and my parents not really reacting. Then a few years later my dad’s mom passed away. I was 15 and it was sad even though we hadn’t been close, but my parents got past it so fast. Then the hardest one was when I was 17 and my Uncle Sid passed away in a car accident and I was so close with him. I was devastated and had such a hard time dealing with it. I remember my parents at one point telling me I needed to deal with it better because my grandparents wouldn’t be around forever (and I was extremely attached to them). 

It’s strange to me. At the time I didn’t get it but now I realize it is just that they are emotionally detached and just don’t have deep emotions or maybe are just in denial of things.  Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining about my deprived childhood. I did not have a deprived childhood as far as financial things. I was able to buy most of what I wanted, I had nice clothes, we lived in a nice house, I went to a good college and grad school that were all paid for ….. but emotionally they just weren’t there. I was told many times to toughen up about things and to not cry about things.

Even recently when I told my dad about my panic attacks he told me I needed to get it together. The thing is Matt’s parents are just as detached as mine and don’t want to hear the emotional aspect of our lives at all. They really don’t want to hear any of the bad aspects. I understand it to a certain extent since they lost a child, but it is still hard for me.

The thing is though that the majority of my non ARPKD friends are also very detached. And Matt even admits that he needs to be detached at times because he just can’t deal. And for me I can never be detached, nor do I really want to be. But sometimes I would like to live my life in la la land with everything being just perfect and not worrying about a thing.

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