August 21, 2008 at 1:59 am 1 comment

The bliss of having a new, healthy baby and not even having to worry about anything. Ahh…. It brings back memories of having Max and Nate and it also brings back sad memories of having Gabe and not experiencing that bliss. And then it also makes me sad and mad and angry and resentful and so many other things.

We are up in the Berkshires visiting my parents and my first cousin came down from Boston with his wife and first born son who is four months old. And healthy. And oh are they blissful or what. Rightfully so of course. But to me it’s just so sad.  I remember having Max and feeling that bliss and being somewhat naive of life and somewhat in a state of euphoria.  And then again having Nate and having that same euphoria. And then having Gabe and having that euphoria taken away from me and a whole different thing happening. And all of the sadness that has continued since then and the anger too. Lovey recently asked me why I was so angry and when in my past do I ever remember being this angry. I’m not sure I ever experienced this type of sadness and anger before.  

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy for my cousin. So happy his baby is healthy. So happy they have no idea what it feels like to have a child who isn’t healthy. But, I am so unhappy it’s not me. And I know I need to get past this anger and sadness to get on with my life but it’s really hard. It’s here every day and it’s not going away. No matter how hard I wish it would.


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Obvious Ignore

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. kidneyeyemomma  |  August 21, 2008 at 3:10 am

    You will get past it too; I mean the intense anger and sadness. But a twinge of it will always loom. I just gets easier somehow with time. At least it has for me.


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