August 14, 2008 at 10:07 pm 1 comment

I’m jealous. I admit it, but it’s hard for me. I’m jealous of my friends and their “perfect” lives but sometimes I just can’t help it. I know “perfect” isn’t really true and I wouldn’t trade them for what I have with Matt and the boys. But, what I mean by perfect is that they live these lives without much stress. They have healthy children, don’t have to work, don’t really worry about money, send their children to expensive camps, buy all the clothes they want for themselves and their children, have healthy children (I already said that but am stressing it again)….  The thing is usually I don’t let it bother me. But occasionally when I am in a bad mood or cranky or whatever it does get to me. And usually something sets it off. 

I have this friend who really is a good friend to me but really just doesn’t get “it”. She has had a good life and really no big stresses in her life. She doesn’t work and only volunteers a little bit at her girls’ schools.  She doesn’t read this blog nor do I ever think she will so I don’t have to worry about it. Blogging is another thing I think she just wouldn’t understand. But she would do anything for me if I asked. She calls me every day does ask me about my work and the boys but I can only go so far in what I say about their health before her eyes start to glaze over.  She would cook a meal for me if I needed, go shopping for me, babysit, clean my house, do my laundry, make phone calls…. The list goes on an on as far as what she would do for me in a physical sense but not necessarily in an emotional sense. The thing is I do like having her as a friend but every once in a while I get annoyed. What annoyed me yesterday was not her but her husband, who also happens to be our financial advisor. I know bad move – never mix friends and money. But I trust the guy with our money but get annoyed at him too. The big thing is that he takes the month of August off to be with his family (you get the picture as far as financially right?). He is actually an awesome husband to my friend (not for me), is amazing with his three girls, and helps out around the house too. I’m not so sure how much common sense he has and he has also lived a fairly privileged life. Yesterday I saw him at the pool and asked him how he was doing and his reply was “what could be bad”. I do know he meant no harm by that simple, simple statement. But, it did harm me. Because really “what could be bad” is a loaded question to someone like me. Hmm. Where should I start: first I could probably begin with that very small thing going on in our life: ARPKD. And then there’s my panic attacks, my stress level, money issues, the fact that I have to work, Matt’s fear of being laid off (not for any particular reason, just the economy and lay offs at his company), and did I mention the kidney thing?  But for him really what could be bad.

I do feel bad and guilty about writing this and would feel horrible if one day she read it and was hurt by it. But it is how I feel and I think I should be able to write all of my feelings here. I should probably be able to do it without feeling guilty but that’s not going to happen.

Jealousy is a bad thing and I really wish I didn’t have it, but I do. At least I am honest with myself and can accept it.


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1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. kidneyeyemomma  |  August 18, 2008 at 6:09 am

    To me it is envy. I envy and long for the carefree days of ignorance. I envy what they have and I don’t. Envy? Jealous? Same?

    I understand what you are saying and feel very much the same why sometimes.


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